I think everyone has super high expectations of themselves after they become parents. I know I was set on making pancakes and waffles for breakfast every morning, putting my daughter’s hair in complicated braids, and going on park dates with other ‘hip moms’. Let me tell you how that has worked out since becoming a mom.
Poptarts are not an uncommon breakfast food. Crazy, curly, unbrushed hair is the norm 2-3 days a week, and when we go to the park, it’s just us. So I haven’t quite lived up to my dreams of being the Good Housekeeping mom, and some days I feel a little less than adequate. Who doesn’t?
Then there are the things that I just don’t give a f*ck about! These are the things that once got under my skin and were absolute no-nos. I guess expectations change.
1. Pooping with the Door Open
There are not enough ears or eyes in my house to justify closing the bathroom door to go to the bathroom. Plus, my daughter usually insists she hold my legs so I don’t fall in.
2. That ‘Kid’ Car Smell
Okay, this one I care about a little. It’s more that I have searched high and low for that pungent old milk odor to no avail. Febreze to the rescue. There’s nothing like masking the smell of a spilled sippy cup with Ocean Breeze.
3. Mystery Stains
Unless it’s poo or puke, I’m not changing. Chances are by 4pm I will have another mystery spot, and I’m not risking staining two of my favorite shirts.
4. New Movie Releases
Unless it’s Pixar or Disney, I just don’t care. I haven’t seen a new adult movie in who knows how long. On the rare occasion that Dish gives me a week of HBO free, I DVR a couple movies. I just haven’t got around to watching a single one of them.
5. Unethical Bribery
I confess. I’m guilty. “I’ll buy you that balloon if you don’t scream the entire time we are in the store.” I do it. Almost every time. It was something I swore I would never do before becoming a parent, but it happened, and acceptance is key to happiness.
6. Breakfast Rules
I’m sure even college kids have standards about what is okay to eat for breakfast. When it’s eight o’ clock, your nearly running late, and realize you haven’t had breakfast, last night’s leftover cheeseburger dipped in ranch is an acceptable option.
It’s a luxury, not a necessity. The days prior to shaving include full length yoga pants and maxi skirts. No one has to know that I’m hiding carpet under there… on my legs of course.
Me and Victoria’s Secret used to be best friends. Relatively speaking, I guess we still are. But now I’m more interested in yoga pants and sweatshirts. Lacy underwear are no longer on my priority list. In fact, if I wear underwear, it must be a special occasion, or I’m wearing a dress.
9. Sex Tips and Cosmo
Since becoming a mom, I just get it when I can and when I have the energy. There’s no longer a need to turn a 7 minute ordeal into a 20 minute sweat session that leaves me out of breath and feeling like I lifted 500lbs.
10. Expiration Dates
Ok, certain things I take seriously. But canned goods, cereal, even milk, IDGAF. I have no desire to go to the store. We will make do and develop strong immune systems.
11. Going Braless
It’s 9:45pm; I open the refrigerator and realize there’s no milk. I have no bra on and the store closes in 15 minutes. Throw on a sweatshirt, throw all f*cks out the window, and avoid a massive crisis the next morning. Forget the bra.
12. Shoes that Tie
Don’t get me wrong, I have my eyes on the latest pair of Kobes, and own a few KDs. I don’t tie them. Ever. That’s like an extra 30 seconds of every day that I could be picking up puzzle pieces and wiping boogers from little noses.
13. Calories in the Oreo Brownie Cupcake
After a long day, or morning, I NEED the cupcake. I need every single empty calorie and all of it’s evil greatness. If I try to substitute baby carrots, I may revert to toddler state and throw a massive tantrum. When you’re a mom, chocolate is a macronutrient.
14. Fashion Faux Pas
It’s not worth it to argue with a 3 year old about her favorite striped shirt not matching her polkadot pants. It’s just not.
15. Your Political Conspiracies
While you’re busy telling me about the socialist takeover and the great migration to Mexico, my child is eating leaves from an unknown plant and shoving rocks down her pants. Until your conspiracy demands that kind of urgency, I’m going to have to stop you.
16. Smellin’ Ass
Do you smell that? Oh, let me check my kid’s butt. WOOO. Yep, it’s mine. This is something I would have previously never done without a large cash money offer.
17. Alcohol and Mixer
Never mind the old rule of clear alcohol with light colored mixers. Whiskey and Capri-Sun, mix it. Tequila and sweet tea, mix it. Five o’ clock rolls around and IDGAF if you mix Rumchata with Mountain Dew.
18. Cute Nails
I remember going and sitting in the nail salon for an hour… just picking out the color I wanted for my manicure. Since becoming a mom I usually rock the bare nails look, but when I do paint my own nails, it’s a gawdy color that gets smeared in the first 10 seconds, and then chips the next day. I roll with that look until it wears off.
19. Real Casserole Recipes
Aren’t they just a bunch of shit thrown together anyways? I’m a food blogger, and I just posted an amazing Enchilada Casserole recipe, so I shouldn’t say that. But 90% of the time, my casserole are whatever canned goods, thawed meat, and cream based soup I have lying around. Edible, quick, and usually pretty ugly, but it’s dinner.
20. Bathing Schedule
Sometimes I forget the last time I showered. Greasy hair = excuse to wear a messy bun all day.
Since becoming a mom, my expectations for myself and my child have changed. Children should be allowed to be children, and moms should be allowed to have really crappy days, without judgement.